It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It's never too late to be topless.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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