I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
