my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
