Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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