guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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