my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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