I am spending my child support on dildos
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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