we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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