I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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