I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm at about main and main street
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Randomize
