so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
