I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
