Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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