If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
