My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
