Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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