Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
