You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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