I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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