What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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