Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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