Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
