if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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