She's JV to your varsity
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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