my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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