If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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