My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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