girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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