Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
