Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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