We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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