6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
