you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
