Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
