either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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