I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
