I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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