i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
