man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
