maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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