im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
