i will never coherently bang her
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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