In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
