I heard we made out
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
being pregnant is like rehab
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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