she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize