Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
