Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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