You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
