I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
