You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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