Swine flu. Run for my life!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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