the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
And then he peed in my hair
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