Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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