I wish I could punch you in the face.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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