You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
where are my eyebrows?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
