I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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