I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
