This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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