just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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