i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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