you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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