I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
