i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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