I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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