The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
