My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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