You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
