Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
And then he peed in my hair
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