remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
