Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
